2 minute read
Why the message goes through your sister
When two people are tense, a third gets pulled in. Families run on triangles. Taking it direct dissolves them.
Murray Bowen described the triangle as the smallest stable unit in a family. When tension rises between two people, one of them tells a third, who carries it, softens it, or takes a side.
It works for a while and costs a lot. The third person carries stress that is not theirs, and the two who have the issue never quite resolve it.
Detriangling means taking the issue to the person you have it with, kindly and directly, and asking the third person to stay out of it.
Families that do this report less tension overall, because nobody is holding two sides at once.
For a week, take issues to the person concerned. Notice who feels lighter.
Where this comes from: Bowen family systems theory.
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