3 minute read
The work nobody sees
Noticing, planning and remembering are work. Helping is not the same as owning. Making the invisible visible changes the argument.
The mental load is the management layer of a household: knowing the school needs a form by Friday, that the fridge is low on milk, that the in-laws’ anniversary is next week. It is invisible, it is constant, and it tends to sit with one person.
"Just ask me and I’ll do it" keeps the load where it is, because asking is the load.
Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play approach suggests handing over whole tasks, end to end: conceive it, plan it, do it, remember it next time. Ownership, not help.
Before dividing anything, write everything down. Most couples are surprised by the length of the list and by what the other person did not know was on it.
Each write every task you carry in your head, including the remembering. Lay the lists side by side.
Where this comes from: Rodsky, Fair Play; research on the division of cognitive labour.
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