2 minute read
The story you told yourself in the car
Distress feeds on attributions: "they did that because they don’t care". Check the story before you react to it.
Cognitive research on couples shows that unhappy partners explain the other’s behaviour in the least generous way available, and happy partners in the most generous. Same behaviour, different story.
The story arrives fast and feels like fact. It is not. It is an interpretation built from mood, history and what you were afraid of.
Four questions slow it down: What did I actually observe? What did I add? What is one other explanation? What would I have to ask to know?
Next time you feel the flare, ask the four questions before you speak.
Where this comes from: Baucom & Epstein, cognitive-behavioural couple therapy; attribution research.
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