3 minute read
The four habits that predict a split, and their antidotes
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Everyone does them sometimes. Each has a learnable replacement.
Criticism attacks the person, not the problem: "you never think about anyone else". Its antidote is the gentle start-up: what you feel, about what, and what you need.
Contempt is criticism with disgust in it: eye-rolling, sneering, mockery. It is the strongest single predictor of divorce in the research, because it says "I am above you". Its antidote is a daily culture of appreciation, which makes contempt hard to reach for.
Defensiveness is self-protection that lands as blame: "it’s not my fault, you’re the one who…". Its antidote is taking responsibility for even a small part.
Stonewalling is shutting down: silence, leaving, the wall. It usually means flooding. Its antidote is self-soothing and a promised return, not more pressure.
Pick your own most-used horseman. Just yours. Practise its antidote once this week.
Where this comes from: Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
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